Forgiveness: A Spiritual Practice for Your Repertoire
The Spiritual Practice of Forgiveness
Try this quick experiential activity to try out forgiveness for yourself:
1. Think of a situation from your life where someone treated you poorly, maybe said something unkind to you, took something that was yours, or was unfair to you.
2. How did you feel? Were you hurt, sad, angry, upset?
3. How did you behave or react? Did you yell, shout back, want revenge, or treat them as poorly as they treated you?
4. How did your response make you feel? Did you continue to feel justified in your response, or did you have any remorse or regret about your response? Did your response help to reduce your suffering/ pain, or did it exacerbate, or prolong the pain?
5. What did your response depend on? Did you want the other person to suffer, or to acknowledge their wrong? Was your forgiveness dependent on the adequacy of the other person’s suffering, punishment, acceptance of wrongdoing, or apology?
6. In which of the steps above did you experience suffering? Did your suffering increase or decrease with your feelings or response?
7. Reflect on: What do you want? What kind of person do you want to be? How do you resolve potentially conflicting wants? Look within to get guidance from your driving values. Does carrying bitterness and hurt within or making another person suffer help relieve your own suffering?
8. What could have been an alternate response to the above situation? The pain of an unfair situation is real, but could forgiveness have been used as a tool to reduce your suffering? If you were able to forgive the other person at any of the steps above, what would that look like? How would that have changed your and the other person’s suffering?
What Is Forgiveness? What Are The Benefits Of Practicing Forgiveness?
“Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger” according to Mayo Clinic.
Forgiveness can help with healthier relationships, “For to be social is to be forgiving” states Robert Frost in his poem, “The Star-Splitter.”
This practice also has many mental health benefits, less stress and anxiety, reduced symptoms of depression, and better self-esteem. It has also been connected to physiological benefits, improvement in heart function, reduced blood pressure, and a stronger immune system.
Barriers To Forgiveness - Forgiveness Myths
1. Forgiveness means that what happened is OK
According to mental health professionals this is considered the number one barrier to forgiveness. A healthier way to manage this barrier is to understand that forgiveness is a personal process and a choice. You can choose to let go of the hold an incident or person has in your life even with the understanding that what happened was not okay.
2. Forgiveness means I need to "forgive and forget"
An alternate mindset to help release this barrier as suggested by Dr. Will Meek is “forgive and remember.” This allows us to use our experience as an opportunity to learn and grow. In fact, according to the REACH Methodology of forgiveness developed by Dr. Everett Worthington, recalling the hurt is step one for starting the healing journey. However since the recall is paired with forgiveness, it does not lead to recurrent trauma or suffering.
3. Forgiveness means I have to reconcile with the person
Britannica defines reconciliation as “the act of causing two people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement.” In reality, there are many factors to consider. If one does not feel physically safe and secure in a relationship, if there is no respect or trust in a relationship, reconciliation can be difficult to achieve but forgiveness is still possible. Remember, forgiveness is your altruistic choice.
4. Forgiveness means I will never feel angry or hurt about it again
The fact is that practicing forgiveness takes loads of patience and lots of practice. People who have experienced natural calamities are reminded of the past and have to relive the pain of an experience they had no control over. To stay strong and survive, they have to practice radical acceptance and learn to forgive and let go of things they have no control over. David Augsburger in his book, Caring Enough to Forgive, calls forgiveness “a journey.” It is not a switch you can turn on and off, it is not something that happens instantly.
5. Forgiveness means I am being a good person/ If I don't forgive, then I am a bad person
People hold on to many such beliefs which may be based on a fear-driven, consequential mental model. Instead, choose to see forgiveness as a personal empowerment tool. Think of it as an alternative approach to achieving internal peace and healing. As Malachy McCourt once said, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
What is the barrier that is keeping you away from making forgiveness a part of your wellness routine?
Forgiveness in Sanatan Dharma
“Vigor, forgiveness, fortitude, cleanliness, bearing enmity toward none, and absence of vanity.” are the saintly virtues of those with a divine nature. (Bhagawad Gita Chap 16.3)
In Sanatan Dharma, many of the ethical, spiritual, and philosophical principles are based on forgiveness. It is a means to help us align with our dharma and karma, a means to cleanse our body, mind and soul, promote non-violence (ahimsa) in thoughts and deeds, and promote and cultivate empathy and compassion for ourselves and others. God is the ‘karuna-sagar’ or ocean of kindness and compassion, the ultimate benevolent one. He has unconditional and unlimited love and forgiveness for all.
‘Kshama’ is the Sanskrit word for “forgiveness,” it is a compound word where ‘kṣa’ means ‘to decrease’ and ‘ma’ means ‘to measure’. This term itself implies that the need for forgiveness arises when we measure the defects of others (or even ourselves), and the point of forgiveness is to decrease such measurement.
Since conflict is an integral part of human relationships, forgiveness can be used as a means to decrease karmic debt (ruṇa-anubandhana). Hindus believe that all types of interactions, be it pleasant or unpleasant, create a karmic connection or debt. (Ramayana verse) The strength of the connection which is created because of internal factors such as one’s thoughts, emotions, values, belief systems or internal samskaras leads to the formation of attachments and bondages. Forgiveness and letting go of negative thoughts and emotions towards others can help dissolve the bondages that are created.
Understanding the materialistic nature of ‘ego’ can also support one in this journey of letting go of the need for vengeance or harm when hurt. If we think about why forgiveness is required in the first place, we come to realize that it is our ego (sense of separate self) which has somehow gotten hurt by another’s action. According to Bhagawad Gita, the ego arises from Nature (Prakriti), not from God (Purusha). It arises when one forgets the ultimate truth that we are all a part of the higher consciousness or ‘Brahman.’ When we remember that we are all one, we may still observe others, but we perceive the unity between all. In this context where there is no differentiation of self, there is no perceived hurt, and thereby no perceived need for forgiveness.
In the epic Ramayana and Mahabharata, although there are many examples of forgiveness, there is also an awareness about the distinction between forgiveness and becoming a victim. Forgiving someone is not out of ignorance or negligence, nor a desire to avoid conflict, but rather from an understanding that one can “hate the sin” but “love the sinner.” There is a clear distinction between understanding your boundaries and preserving yourself when faced with harm.
In the Ramayana, Bhagawan Rama chooses to display the virtue of forgiveness on several occasions. He forgave his stepmother, Kaikaiye. In the end, instead of decimating the whole Ravana clan for their improper actions, he chooses to show compassion and crowned Vibhishana, Ravan’s brother, as the new King of Lanka. In Mahabharata, Bhagawan Krishna forgave Shishupala, a notorious troublemaker for 100 insults, giving a great example of using your own intellect to understand where forgiveness is okay and not okay. Sanatan Dharma sees forgiveness and reconciliation as separate.
To summarize this ideology based on the Vedas, Bhagawad Gita, Ashatvakra Gita, Ramayana, and Mahabharata, we can understand forgiveness as a way of being compassionate and kind. Forgiveness is a strategy to practice acceptance and choosing to let go of things not in our control. It is choosing to let go of one’s attachment to the way things should be or could be. Forgiveness is a means to live a high quality, high value, dharmic life. Forgiveness becomes a spiritual practice as it promotes not only spiritual growth but also inner peace, and harmony with others.
Sanatan Dharma recognizes that since we live in this world of maya, our actions can cause pain and unintentional suffering to those around us. We can cause harm simply by existing, breathing, eating food, taking a bath; so, the guidance is to practice forgiveness in good times and bad times. The Mahabharata contains a famous Hymn to Forgiveness or Kshama Stuti: “Forgiveness is virtue; forgiveness is Yagnya, forgiveness is the Vedas, forgiveness is the Shruti. He that knows this is capable of forgiving everything. Forgiveness is Brahman; forgiveness is truth; forgiveness is stored ascetic merit; forgiveness protects the ascetic merit of the future; forgiveness is asceticism; forgiveness is holiness; and by forgiveness the universe is held together.”
Five Ways to Start a Forgiveness Practice
Here are five ways to make forgiveness a part of your spiritual practice:
1. Self-Awareness: Before you can even practice forgiveness, it is best to understand what you are thinking, and feeling and its impact on your life. Acknowledge your feelings, understand how you feel, and name your feelings of pain, hurt, betrayal, anger, and guilt. Validate your emotions and accept that it is understandable if you feel this way in a given situation and circumstance.
2. Self-Reflection: Take some time to reflect on the situation and understand the reasons behind the actions of the person who hurt you. Sometimes, gaining perspective on their motivations can help you empathize with them.
3. Self-Compassion: Be kind and compassionate to yourself during the forgiveness process. Understand that healing takes time, and it's okay to have setbacks. First and foremost you forgive yourself for any past actions taken or not taken, so that you are not living with regret, guilt, and anger.
4. Self-Care and Healing: Engage in activities that promote your physical, emotional, and mental well-being, such as meditation, yoga, exercise, and mindfulness practices. These activities allow you to create some space between your understanding of a person and their action, which opens the door for forgiveness of the person even if you cannot forgive the action.
5. Spiritual and Emotional Support: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about feelings that you are not able to let go of. Sharing your deep and lingering emotions with someone can provide you with valuable perspectives and emotional support. Getting inspiration from your scriptures and building faith is another great way to understand your oneness with all beings even when they may undertake some actions that hurt you.
It is best to keep in mind that forgiveness is a personal journey, so give yourself grace and take your time. Forgiveness is not about ‘forgetting’, it is instead a journey of empowerment. It is about freedom to live your life on your own terms. Forgiveness is an internal mental attitude or personal choice. Forgiveness begins in our hearts, and minds, and leads to our Soul.
As four co-authors and two couples, our spiritual journeys have been catalyzed, stimulated, and encouraged by the companionship of our spouses. Through a few different spiritual study groups, we have noted that couples participating together have found the learning and growth to be beneficial as it is mutual in nature and perceived more supportively. The learning is also more applicable because it is based on practical examples and realistic challenges from the lives that most of us lead as couples and family members. Based on our experience in learning from each other in these study groups, we decided to establish this platform where we can share our experiences with other couples in order to support the journeys that many of us are on. We hope you enjoy this forum and share with us your feedback as well as your experiences along your journey to further enlighten us all!
Dhirja & Sandipan Gangopadhyay
Anupama & Apurv Gupta
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