Being Vulnerable
Vulnerability: Is It a Sign of Strength or Weakness?
In her book ‘Daring Greatly,’ professor Brené Brown shares that vulnerability and courage go hand in hand. She suggests that it is by being vulnerable that we forge the way for the blossoming of authenticity. Sharing your personal challenges with others, expressing your emotions in public, and even apologizing when you regret your actions are all examples of vulnerability.
Vulnerability becomes a weakness if we believe that exposing ourselves is a weakness; however, it becomes a strength if we understand that the deeper understanding and connection that becomes inspired through vulnerability is helpful to our self-realization and growth.
Definition and Paradox of Vulnerability
Vulnerability is generally defined as a willingness to share one’s deeply held thoughts and emotions, to risk being emotionally hurt, or to allow one’s weaknesses to be seen. Yet it is also seen as the pathway to greater connection and growth. Is there, then, a way to leverage the value of vulnerability without creating the risk that may lie inherent in it?
To begin, it’s important to recognize that vulnerability is not about being naive or gullible. It is simply about allowing yourself to be open, honest, and transparent and allowing for deep-seated love, joy, and bliss to emanate through.
Examples of Vulnerability from Hindu Scriptures
Perhaps the epitome of vulnerability is Arjun's conversation with Shri Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita. Here he is the Supreme Commander of the Pandava Army, but as he surveys the battlefield arrayed on both sides, he breaks down and shares his vulnerability with Shri Krishna.
It is in precisely this vulnerability that he is open to guidance and wisdom from Shri Krishna; Arjun’s vulnerability is the reason why the teaching of the Gita takes place at this critical juncture.
kārpaṇya-doṣhopahata-svabhāvaḥ pṛichchhāmi tvāṁ dharma-sammūḍha-chetāḥ
yach-chhreyaḥ syānniśhchitaṁ brūhi tanme śhiṣhyaste ’haṁ śhādhi māṁ tvāṁ prapannam
Arjuna says: I am confused about my duty and am besieged with anxiety and faintheartedness. I am Your disciple and surrendered to You. Please instruct me for certain what is best for me. (BG 2.7)
Who/What is Vulnerable?
What part of you is being vulnerable? And what part is invulnerable? This is one of the central lessons of the Gita, as Shri Krishna points out in Chapter 2 in response to Arjun’s despondency. He points to the critical delusion that we are all under when we identify ourselves as body and mind. This identification is what leads to desire, attachment, and suffering. When we realize that we are not the body and mind, but we are the eternal Atman which is imperishable, then the true nature of our invulnerability becomes clear. The body and mind are material, and therefore vulnerable; the soul (Atman) – which is our connection to others, to the Universe, to God – is invulnerable.
When the ego feels vulnerable, it is helpful to reflect on “Who Am I?” as many great sages have suggested. Through this method one comes to realize what one is not (the body, mind, ego, identity, memories, thoughts, feelings) and ultimately arrive at a realization that one cannot define the true self as an object. The true self is never changing, eternal, it lives on even when the body perishes.
tatha sharirani vihaya jirnanya nyani sanyati navani dehi
Shri Krishna says: As a person sheds worn-out garments and wears new ones, likewise, at the time of death, the soul casts off its worn-out body and enters a new one. (BG 2.22)
na chainaṁ kledayantyāpo na śhoṣhayati mārutaḥ
Shri Krishna says: Weapons cannot shred the soul, nor can fire burn it. Water cannot wet it, nor can the wind dry it. (BG 2.23)
Is there a Spiritual Purpose of Vulnerability?
Understanding the vulnerability of our ego self and operating within the world with a vulnerability of the ego self allows us to become closer to our true self. It can be visualized as a “softening of the ego self” which allows for truth to shine through. Our ego self is otherwise hard, inflexible, ready to defend, ready to attack, and always prepared for battle.
Vulnerability allows us to realize what our true self is and to help others realize it within themselves. It is through vulnerability that we establish genuine connections with each other which are "soul based" -- beyond each other’s ego.
The spiritual journey in most wisdom traditions is often described as one in which the ego is gradually dissolved. Vulnerability is a mechanism that enables such a dissolution. The closer we get to our true self via a variety of spiritual practices, the more vulnerable we are willing to be, this enhances our ability to make deeper connections with each other and the universe, and ultimately, with God.
What Prevents Vulnerability?
We are unwilling to be vulnerable because we believe that the world could harm us if we open ourselves up.
As children, we were not shy about sharing our thoughts and feelings, often to our parents’ embarrassment. But fast forward a few years, our experiences in this judgmental world can sometimes shape us to tamp down and showcase only the positively acceptable parts with the world. In our society, being vulnerable is still seen as a weakness, and brings about hard, difficult emotions such as shame, grief, abandonment, and rejection to the surface. It is understandable, then, that we shy away from being our whole selves in our professional or personal lives.
From a spiritual perspective, those factors which are invoked when the ego rises up as a separate self (through image, identity, envy, anger, and greed) can all be thought of as different manifestations of fear – that our separate self is at risk, which creates a defense/ attack reaction, causing the hardening of the ego shell.
Five ways we can be our most authentic selves and make vulnerability our strength:
Build Trust: Build trust by risking exposing yourself to learn more about what you are trying to protect and who you really are.
Establishing a connection with others based on trust is often a hallmark of vulnerability. Many of us are unwilling to share deeply held thoughts and emotions without such a bridge of trust in place. Over our lives, perhaps we have experienced breach of trust which makes us even more protective.
However, we also know that we are not able to function without trust. For all relationships and even chance interactions, there is a certain amount of trust that we need to have to even engage with each other. Though there may be a fear-laden deep inside us when we interact with each other, which prevents a deep connection, our goal is generally to overcome that fear so that the connection becomes more secure, reliable, and authentic.
From a spiritual perspective, even though many of our practices are focused on our individual growth, they are ultimately played out in a social theater. How we interact with others, how deeply we can connect with others, how well we function in the context of others is often what determines our growth.
When you have an opportunity to reconnect with an old friend or in meeting a new one, you can practice trust by sharing something deeper about yourself than you would through a normal conversation. If you have a lot of trepidation about this, you can proceed slowly in this process. However, the key is to learn how we can build trusting relationships over time through the sharing of deeper bonds.
Invoke Faith: Invoke faith by practicing surrender and acceptance. Live your life with your heart open and in a receiving position rather than always expecting the worst.
A close corollary of trust is faith. This has been understood in many ways, but one which is helpful within the context of vulnerability derives from the Sanskrit term “shraddha” – the attitude that whatever you are experiencing, or learning could be correct, that whoever you are interacting with could be helpful. It is not a blind faith to accept whatever is presented, but rather a benevolence, positivity, or goodwill to not outright reject first without further inquiry or investigation. Approach people and the world with some measure of “What are they trying to teach me? What can I learn from them? Is it possible that they are correct in what they are saying?”
śhraddhā-mayo ‘yaṁ puruṣho yo yach-chhraddhaḥ sa eva saḥ
Shri Krishna say: The faith of all humans conforms to the nature of their mind. All people possess faith, and whatever the nature of their faith, that is verily what they are. (BG 17.3)
Operating with faith disables some of the ego’s immediate defense mechanisms just enough so that one can more appropriately assess the situation. If we approach an individual or situation with all our shields up, then it will necessarily call out for a similar reaction in the other, which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that the world is bad, and we need to protect ourselves. On the other hand, when we approach the world with some aspect of faith (shraddha), then the world has a greater propensity to open up to us and to reveal that it is not all bad.
The next opportunity you have to interact with someone or read a new book, observe whether you are approaching the situation with a sense of hesitation or skepticism vs openness and curiosity.
Show Gratitude: One of the most common practices recommended by many spiritual traditions is that of gratitude. Think of what you are grateful for and express it, write it down, and reflect on it.
One of the reasons why this works so well is that it opens up our ego self to recognize the beauty, strength, and positivity all around us. Not being closed off to the world or others basking in the realization that “I am great” and “I have accomplished everything,” but to realize how we are all inter-connected and interdependent and how much we have to appreciate what others have done for us.
The Bhagavad Gita presents a few different perspectives on gratitude, including, being content with what one has.
samah siddhavasiddhau cha kritvapi na nibadhyate
Shri Krishna says: Content with whatever gain comes of its own accord, and free from envy, they are beyond the dualities of life. Being equipoised in success and failure, they are not bound by their actions, even while performing all kinds of activities. (BG 4.22)
Expressing gratitude for the strengths and positive qualities of others is a good way to overcome the sense of weakness in ourselves which prevents vulnerability. Gratitude supports vulnerability because it allows us to open up and express our recognition of one-ness and appreciation for the world and others.
As you practice gratitude, can you experience the wonder and connection that it creates for you?
Inculcate Respect: The ideal of respect is treating others with benevolence and kindness, being open to listening to them, and considering their ideas, perspectives, and experiences as valuable and no less important than our own.
Respect reduces the potential clash of egos which tends to trigger defensive positions. It serves as a lubricant for vulnerability because it creates a safe space within which we can interact more naturally and freely without concern that the other is standing ready to debate, criticize, challenge, and negate our perspectives. It suspends judgment which opens us up to curiosity, learning, and growth.
As you drop the reaction or instinct to debate, deny, criticize, and challenge, you will find your thought process opening up to new forms of appreciation and understanding.
One way to develop respect is through service (karma yoga). When you put yourself in a position of helping others, it helps to engender feelings of benevolence and respect rather than disdain or superiority. It helps to create a more direct bond with those who may be suffering or going through a less fortunate time, and to realize a oneness with individuals in all situations of life.
With the next opportunity you have to engage with someone in a conversation, pay attention to whether your mind is racing ahead to disagree or criticize the other’s point of view or whether your mind is remaining open to listen and try to understand the other’s point of view.
Practice Courage: Vulnerability naturally requires courage - overcoming some fear or hesitation within us to be open to others. Perhaps the fear is based on trauma, rejection, betrayal, abuse, and bullying. Or it may be less serious - such as ridicule, lack of acceptance - but meaningful nevertheless.
Taking a step forward requires some willingness to overcome the fear, or at least to keep it in abeyance in order to test out the safety of a new situation or relationship. Unfortunately, many of us are not able to develop this courage and thereby wind up remaining isolated or lonely due to the withering of connections over time.
In practice, courage often arises from clarity in what one tries to do and how that aligns with one’s purpose (dharma). If one is clear about the value and goal of overcoming the ego self, it becomes easier to undertake these actions, which systematically dissolve the ego.
Here Shri Krishna indicates how many of these human qualities are connected and ultimately divine in their origin.
sukham duhkham bhavo ’bhavo bhayam chabhayameva cha
ahinsa samata tushtis tapo danam yasho ’yashah
bhavanti bhava bhutanam matta eva prithag-vidhah
From Me alone arise the varieties of qualities in humans, such as intellect, knowledge, clarity of thought, forgiveness, truthfulness, control over the senses and mind, joy and sorrow, birth and death, fear and courage, non-violence, equanimity, contentment, austerity, charity, fame, and infamy. (BG 10.4-5)
When you find yourself next in a situation that creates some fear, can you identify the nature or source of that fear? If it is not because of a real threat to life or physical harm, can you harness the fear by turning it into a willingness to share what you are experiencing?
"We can measure how brave you are by how vulnerable you're willing to be."
– Brene Brown
As four co-authors and two couples, our spiritual journeys have been catalyzed, stimulated, and encouraged by the companionship of our spouses. Through a few different spiritual study groups, we have noted that couples participating together have found the learning and growth to be beneficial as it is mutual in nature and perceived more supportively. The learning is also more applicable because it is based on practical examples and realistic challenges from the lives that most of us lead as couples and family members. Based on our experience in learning from each other in these study groups, we decided to establish this platform where we can share our experiences with other couples in order to support the journeys that many of us are on. We hope you enjoy this forum and share with us your feedback as well as your experiences along your journey to further enlighten us all!
Dhirja & Sandipan Gangopadhyay
Anupama & Apurv Gupta
Thank you for daring to discuss the subject of Vulnerability. Most people would avoid this dialogue because it is an antithesis of their ego. But, without vulnerability, we close the door to learn and grow. People who learn the most are those who share their defeats, uncertainties’, and discomforts. Citing the example of Arjuna to share his uncertainties and discomfort to seek Lord Krishna’s advice is a great example of expressing vulnerability.
ReplyDeleteAnother great example of the need of vulnerability to learn and grow can be found in the writings of Alan Weiss, a well-known author from Rhode Island. In his latest book, “Your Legacy Is Now” Alan explains the Lobster Principle (coined by him): “Lobsters have exoskeletons —a shell, as opposed to human internal Skelton. They have to shed their shell—molt—in order to grow and then form a larger one. During this time the lobster is vulnerable to predators since its main defensive weapon has disappeared. So, the lobster seeks shelter until the new shell hardens. This can be repeated several times. It will simply keep growing. Lobster principal demands that we reveal our feelings and weaknesses to others in order to learn and grow. We can’t create meaning for ourselves if our lives are dedicated to protecting our repute, our accolades, or our perfection.”
By identifying and detailing the tools to embrace vulnerability—"trust, faith, gratitude, respect, and courage”, you have provided hope to many who can learn to shed their shell, come out of their comfort zone of pseudo beliefs, and make their lives more meaningful and joyful. By alluding to time-tested spiritual scriptures, your writing has become very persuasive and credible. Please keep exploring these tough subjects, using the wisdom from spirituality, and articulating them in a way that skeptics become believers. Thanks again and take care.