Spiritual Conversations with Our Children
As we start down the spiritual path and start to experience calm and peace within ourselves, often our thoughts rush forward to “how can I explain this to others?” and “wouldn’t it be great if my children could also understand, experience, and live their lives in a “spiritual manner?”
Seek Not to Disturb Others
At one level, the answer to these questions, as summarized in some Bhagawad Gita verses, is that our primary focus needs to be on our own spiritual growth.
na buddhi-bhedaṁ janayed ajñānāṁ karma-saṅginām
joṣhayet sarva-karmāṇi vidvān yuktaḥ samācharan
The wise should not create discord in the intellects of ignorant people, who are attached to fruitive actions, by inducing them to stop work. Rather, by performing their duties in an enlightened manner, they should inspire the ignorant also to do their prescribed duties. (BG 3.26)
prakṛiter guṇa-sammūḍhāḥ sajjante guṇa-karmasu
tān akṛitsna-vido mandān kṛitsna-vin na vichālayet
Those who are deluded by the operation of the guṇas become attached to the results of their actions. But the wise who understand these truths should not unsettle such ignorant people who know very little. (BG 3.29)
Teach Through Example
At another level, the answer to how to help others is through setting your own example.
karmaṇaiva hi sansiddhim āsthitā janakādayaḥ
loka-saṅgraham evāpi sampaśhyan kartum arhasi
yad yad ācharati śhreṣhṭhas tat tad evetaro janaḥ
sa yat pramāṇaṁ kurute lokas tad anuvartate
By performing their prescribed duties, King Janak and others attained perfection. You should also perform your duties to set an example for the good of the world. Whatever actions great persons perform, common people follow. Whatever standards they set, all the world pursues. (BG 3.20-21)
Children learn more from what they see you do rather than what you tell them. Children pick up on inconsistencies and discrepancies very quickly between stated values and actual practice. This is what leads to often heard maxims, such as “practice what you preach.” Our active implementation of what we have learned through our spiritual practice is what leads us to be good role models for our children. As they observe over time how our behavior has shifted, then they are more interested in learning more about the changes, and also more likely to emulate the changes.
Conversations about the topic also then come up fairly organically, which makes it easier to have an interesting, helpful, meaningful discussion on the topic which doesn’t come across as trying to influence, manipulate, control, proselytize, or exhort. It is the natural outcome of curiosity and a genuine desire to learn which emerges from our children rather than our attempt or desire to compel them down a particular pathway.
We have tried to capture here some of the common questions or themes that arise in these conversations.
What Is God?
Most wisdom traditions state that we are one with God. God is present inside us, already and always. God is everywhere and at all times. Thus, we are all connected to each other and to the entire universe - through God.
One can refer to this as God, or alternatively as Universe, Nature, Energy, Oneness. The important thing is to not get lost in the names and the differences, but to try to understand what the names are pointing to, and the similarities.
If There Is a God, Why Don’t We See Him/ Her?
Our bodies and minds are made of matter (atoms, elements, molecules), as is the world. Matter represents a more gross form of our existence, which is easy for us to experience through our senses of smell, taste, touch, hearing, and sight. Though God is also present through and throughout our minds, body, and world, that presence is more subtle requiring different senses to detect.
We all know that there are things which exist in the world which we cannot see, touch, taste, hear, or smell. These include things like emotions and thoughts, which are not directly visible to ourselves or to others, but we know they are there. Love is one such emotion which we have all experienced in many different ways (for our parents, our children, our friends, our family), but we cannot pinpoint where it is, and cannot really even define it uniformly.
In a similar way, God is a state of being which we can all appreciate and experience even though we cannot see.
What Is It Like to Experience God?
When we identify ourselves as material beings, then we focus on our material bodies and minds and the material world we interact with. And our experience of these material objects are our usual thoughts and emotions with which we are familiar – happiness, envy, greed, fear, anxiety, sadness.
When we start to appreciate who we are beyond matter, then we experience a number of “states of being” which are described by words which we use for emotions, but the state itself is not dependent on any external event or situation. This is just a realization of “what we are” at our essence. These states are often described as peace, power, purity, love, joy, bliss, knowledge.
Though difficult to communicate using commonplace words which are often used with other connotations, the main point is that these are states of “being peace” or “being love” rather than “feeling love” or “becoming angry.” When we are closest to our innermost essence, these are the states of being which we experience rather than identifying ourselves with thoughts and emotions which come and go.
How Can I Feel the Presence of God?
There are other ways to appreciate the presence of God as well. They are also “subtle” - not directly observable as we observe material objects, not measurable, and not quantifiable or verifiable. This leads many to doubt or question the existence of God. If you approach these “pointers” with doubt, then they will indeed disappear; but if you approach them with faith (a sense that there may be something there rather than not), then you will find there to be an essence which cannot be otherwise explained, or a potential alternative explanation for a situation that doesn’t otherwise make sense. The missing element in these scenarios is God.
Examples of Pointers:
If God Is in Everyone And in Everything and Everywhere, Then Why Do Bad Things Happen?
This is one of the most difficult things to understand or to explain to adults or children. Good and bad are in themselves relative concepts and not implied as judgment about anyone. Even though God is in everyone and in everything, we humans have a limited free will which gives us the opportunity to think and act in ways which can either bind us to the material world (“bad”) or which free us from this world (“good”). Our good actions lead to the accumulation of good “karma” (or credits) while our bad actions lead to the accumulation of bad “karma” (or demerits). When something we consider bad happens to us, it is the result of bad karma which may have accumulated over long periods of time. Good karma is the result of unselfish actions which are taken without desire or attachment for the fruit of the action.
This is not to be misconstrued as a rationale for blaming our selves or those who are experiencing something negative in their lives, but intended to serve as a way of understanding what we/they are going through, empathizing with ourselves/them, and gaining insights into what we can each do for ourselves to escape the trap of karma.
How to Engage in Spiritual Conversations with Our Children
Here are five points to keep in mind if we wish to guide our children on a spiritual path:
1. Define spirituality
To help our children we must first be very clear on the concepts ourselves. Spirituality is a multifaceted term that can be used to define aspects of life that we may struggle to explain with science alone. It encompasses philosophical concepts that go beyond our very physical, human experience, and hence the connection with the concept of a higher power. For many it can be simply living an inside out life – a life in alignment with their values and purpose (swadharma), or a deep connection to the divine or something beyond themselves. So, before talking to our children about spirituality, take the time to break down our definition of spirituality. The way that we define this word is deeply personal and dependent on our own personal experiences of that which is divine. What are some ways that you practice spirituality? How can you help your children appreciate and understand this amazing concept? How can you expose them to spirituality in your everyday life?
2. Recognize the need for an individual approach
Recognize the unique qualities and capabilities of each of your children and tailor the concepts of spirituality that we would like to share to the age and understanding level of each child. Intangible topics such as spirituality are difficult to grasp even for adults, so take the time to make it as easy as possible for your children. Indian scriptures, such as Ramayana, Mahabharata, offer wisdom in the form of stories. Scriptures like, The Bhagawad Gita, The Vedas and Upanishads, contain guidance on various aspects of living. We can use these teachings in our parenting approach to introduce concepts such as love, devotion, respect, and family values to our children. All of us have some intuitive grasp of these concepts which we as parents can help our children to identify and nurture into a fuller appreciation of a spiritual way of life.
3. Meet our children where they are
As parents we understand that each child is unique and grows and develops according to their own individual plan. The child's developmental stage can help guide you about the appropriateness of concepts that we can share with them. Young elementary school children can be introduced to spirituality through simple concepts such as kindness, love, friendship, and gratitude. This can be done by sharing stories, reading books, playing games, even art projects, and real-life examples to make the concepts relatable for them. As they grow older and start middle school, we can build on the previous knowledge by talking about healthy habits for managing the mind and body. With older children, as they become teens and enter high school we can now start exploring more complex concepts like purpose, faith, forgiveness, peace, connection. We can even help them apply these concepts in real life situations.
4. Give them a safe space
Make our home a safe, non-judgmental, and open space for children to be able to express themselves freely. Be patient and encourage our children to ask questions, share their thoughts and feelings, their needs and wants. Take the time to actively listen to their ideas, acknowledge and validate their experiences, and give ourself grace as well as it may be hard especially if their ideologies differ from ours. To create a space of wonderment for our family, encourage our children to explore their own spirituality through nature, art, music, or other activities that bring them joy.
5. Create a ‘Family Values and Beliefs’ guide
Take the time to be authentic and share our own experiences about our spiritual journey with them. Help them discover that spirituality is a personal journey, and that each person is unique and okay as they are. Discuss strategies with them on how to deal with people who may have different ideologies, experiences, perspectives, and values from them. Create a family values and beliefs guide to help support them in their life journey. Taking the time to talk about the need for values such as kindness, compassion, respect, etc. with our children will help them connect to the concepts of spirituality. It will help guide them towards positive choices and decisions when taking action in their daily life.
The great epic of Mahabharata highlights the importance of parental responsibility and the role of parents as guides and mentors. King Dhritarashtra, though blind, was responsible for guiding his hundred sons, the Kauravas. However, his failure to provide impartial guidance and discipline led to disastrous consequences. It emphasizes the need for parents to fulfill their responsibility with fairness, wisdom, and love. By contrast, King Pandu and Queen Kunti are portrayed as nurturing their children, the Pandavas, with a strong sense of righteousness, virtue, and ethical conduct. They instill values, virtues, and knowledge in their children to help them navigate life's challenges.
Simply by embodying these qualities as parents we will be creating a nurturing and harmonious environment for our children conducive to everyone’s spiritual growth.
OUR STORY
As four co-authors and two couples, our spiritual journeys have been catalyzed, stimulated, and encouraged by the companionship of our spouses. Through a few different spiritual study groups, we have noted that couples participating together have found the learning and growth to be beneficial as it is mutual in nature and perceived more supportively. The learning is also more applicable because it is based on practical examples and realistic challenges from the lives that most of us lead as couples and family members. Based on our experience in learning from each other in these study groups, we decided to establish this platform where we can share our experiences with other couples in order to support the journeys that many of us are on. We hope you enjoy this forum and share with us your feedback as well as your experiences along your journey to further enlighten us all!
Seek Not to Disturb Others
At one level, the answer to these questions, as summarized in some Bhagawad Gita verses, is that our primary focus needs to be on our own spiritual growth.
na buddhi-bhedaṁ janayed ajñānāṁ karma-saṅginām
joṣhayet sarva-karmāṇi vidvān yuktaḥ samācharan
The wise should not create discord in the intellects of ignorant people, who are attached to fruitive actions, by inducing them to stop work. Rather, by performing their duties in an enlightened manner, they should inspire the ignorant also to do their prescribed duties. (BG 3.26)
prakṛiter guṇa-sammūḍhāḥ sajjante guṇa-karmasu
tān akṛitsna-vido mandān kṛitsna-vin na vichālayet
Those who are deluded by the operation of the guṇas become attached to the results of their actions. But the wise who understand these truths should not unsettle such ignorant people who know very little. (BG 3.29)
Teach Through Example
At another level, the answer to how to help others is through setting your own example.
karmaṇaiva hi sansiddhim āsthitā janakādayaḥ
loka-saṅgraham evāpi sampaśhyan kartum arhasi
yad yad ācharati śhreṣhṭhas tat tad evetaro janaḥ
sa yat pramāṇaṁ kurute lokas tad anuvartate
By performing their prescribed duties, King Janak and others attained perfection. You should also perform your duties to set an example for the good of the world. Whatever actions great persons perform, common people follow. Whatever standards they set, all the world pursues. (BG 3.20-21)
Children learn more from what they see you do rather than what you tell them. Children pick up on inconsistencies and discrepancies very quickly between stated values and actual practice. This is what leads to often heard maxims, such as “practice what you preach.” Our active implementation of what we have learned through our spiritual practice is what leads us to be good role models for our children. As they observe over time how our behavior has shifted, then they are more interested in learning more about the changes, and also more likely to emulate the changes.
Conversations about the topic also then come up fairly organically, which makes it easier to have an interesting, helpful, meaningful discussion on the topic which doesn’t come across as trying to influence, manipulate, control, proselytize, or exhort. It is the natural outcome of curiosity and a genuine desire to learn which emerges from our children rather than our attempt or desire to compel them down a particular pathway.
We have tried to capture here some of the common questions or themes that arise in these conversations.
What Is God?
Most wisdom traditions state that we are one with God. God is present inside us, already and always. God is everywhere and at all times. Thus, we are all connected to each other and to the entire universe - through God.
One can refer to this as God, or alternatively as Universe, Nature, Energy, Oneness. The important thing is to not get lost in the names and the differences, but to try to understand what the names are pointing to, and the similarities.
If There Is a God, Why Don’t We See Him/ Her?
Our bodies and minds are made of matter (atoms, elements, molecules), as is the world. Matter represents a more gross form of our existence, which is easy for us to experience through our senses of smell, taste, touch, hearing, and sight. Though God is also present through and throughout our minds, body, and world, that presence is more subtle requiring different senses to detect.
We all know that there are things which exist in the world which we cannot see, touch, taste, hear, or smell. These include things like emotions and thoughts, which are not directly visible to ourselves or to others, but we know they are there. Love is one such emotion which we have all experienced in many different ways (for our parents, our children, our friends, our family), but we cannot pinpoint where it is, and cannot really even define it uniformly.
In a similar way, God is a state of being which we can all appreciate and experience even though we cannot see.
What Is It Like to Experience God?
When we identify ourselves as material beings, then we focus on our material bodies and minds and the material world we interact with. And our experience of these material objects are our usual thoughts and emotions with which we are familiar – happiness, envy, greed, fear, anxiety, sadness.
When we start to appreciate who we are beyond matter, then we experience a number of “states of being” which are described by words which we use for emotions, but the state itself is not dependent on any external event or situation. This is just a realization of “what we are” at our essence. These states are often described as peace, power, purity, love, joy, bliss, knowledge.
Though difficult to communicate using commonplace words which are often used with other connotations, the main point is that these are states of “being peace” or “being love” rather than “feeling love” or “becoming angry.” When we are closest to our innermost essence, these are the states of being which we experience rather than identifying ourselves with thoughts and emotions which come and go.
How Can I Feel the Presence of God?
There are other ways to appreciate the presence of God as well. They are also “subtle” - not directly observable as we observe material objects, not measurable, and not quantifiable or verifiable. This leads many to doubt or question the existence of God. If you approach these “pointers” with doubt, then they will indeed disappear; but if you approach them with faith (a sense that there may be something there rather than not), then you will find there to be an essence which cannot be otherwise explained, or a potential alternative explanation for a situation that doesn’t otherwise make sense. The missing element in these scenarios is God.
Examples of Pointers:
- Randomness – events that occur without any clear logic or rationale, such as the sudden or rapid death of a loved one
- Synchronicities – something happening in concert with another without any clear linkage, such as thinking of a loved one who you haven’t thought about in some time, and them calling you
- Intuition – fully formed ideas or concepts emerging from deep within without any prior knowledge of the topic or actual experience in the area, such as a poem, concept, or theory
If God Is in Everyone And in Everything and Everywhere, Then Why Do Bad Things Happen?
This is one of the most difficult things to understand or to explain to adults or children. Good and bad are in themselves relative concepts and not implied as judgment about anyone. Even though God is in everyone and in everything, we humans have a limited free will which gives us the opportunity to think and act in ways which can either bind us to the material world (“bad”) or which free us from this world (“good”). Our good actions lead to the accumulation of good “karma” (or credits) while our bad actions lead to the accumulation of bad “karma” (or demerits). When something we consider bad happens to us, it is the result of bad karma which may have accumulated over long periods of time. Good karma is the result of unselfish actions which are taken without desire or attachment for the fruit of the action.
This is not to be misconstrued as a rationale for blaming our selves or those who are experiencing something negative in their lives, but intended to serve as a way of understanding what we/they are going through, empathizing with ourselves/them, and gaining insights into what we can each do for ourselves to escape the trap of karma.
How to Engage in Spiritual Conversations with Our Children
Here are five points to keep in mind if we wish to guide our children on a spiritual path:
1. Define spirituality
To help our children we must first be very clear on the concepts ourselves. Spirituality is a multifaceted term that can be used to define aspects of life that we may struggle to explain with science alone. It encompasses philosophical concepts that go beyond our very physical, human experience, and hence the connection with the concept of a higher power. For many it can be simply living an inside out life – a life in alignment with their values and purpose (swadharma), or a deep connection to the divine or something beyond themselves. So, before talking to our children about spirituality, take the time to break down our definition of spirituality. The way that we define this word is deeply personal and dependent on our own personal experiences of that which is divine. What are some ways that you practice spirituality? How can you help your children appreciate and understand this amazing concept? How can you expose them to spirituality in your everyday life?
2. Recognize the need for an individual approach
Recognize the unique qualities and capabilities of each of your children and tailor the concepts of spirituality that we would like to share to the age and understanding level of each child. Intangible topics such as spirituality are difficult to grasp even for adults, so take the time to make it as easy as possible for your children. Indian scriptures, such as Ramayana, Mahabharata, offer wisdom in the form of stories. Scriptures like, The Bhagawad Gita, The Vedas and Upanishads, contain guidance on various aspects of living. We can use these teachings in our parenting approach to introduce concepts such as love, devotion, respect, and family values to our children. All of us have some intuitive grasp of these concepts which we as parents can help our children to identify and nurture into a fuller appreciation of a spiritual way of life.
3. Meet our children where they are
As parents we understand that each child is unique and grows and develops according to their own individual plan. The child's developmental stage can help guide you about the appropriateness of concepts that we can share with them. Young elementary school children can be introduced to spirituality through simple concepts such as kindness, love, friendship, and gratitude. This can be done by sharing stories, reading books, playing games, even art projects, and real-life examples to make the concepts relatable for them. As they grow older and start middle school, we can build on the previous knowledge by talking about healthy habits for managing the mind and body. With older children, as they become teens and enter high school we can now start exploring more complex concepts like purpose, faith, forgiveness, peace, connection. We can even help them apply these concepts in real life situations.
4. Give them a safe space
Make our home a safe, non-judgmental, and open space for children to be able to express themselves freely. Be patient and encourage our children to ask questions, share their thoughts and feelings, their needs and wants. Take the time to actively listen to their ideas, acknowledge and validate their experiences, and give ourself grace as well as it may be hard especially if their ideologies differ from ours. To create a space of wonderment for our family, encourage our children to explore their own spirituality through nature, art, music, or other activities that bring them joy.
5. Create a ‘Family Values and Beliefs’ guide
Take the time to be authentic and share our own experiences about our spiritual journey with them. Help them discover that spirituality is a personal journey, and that each person is unique and okay as they are. Discuss strategies with them on how to deal with people who may have different ideologies, experiences, perspectives, and values from them. Create a family values and beliefs guide to help support them in their life journey. Taking the time to talk about the need for values such as kindness, compassion, respect, etc. with our children will help them connect to the concepts of spirituality. It will help guide them towards positive choices and decisions when taking action in their daily life.
The great epic of Mahabharata highlights the importance of parental responsibility and the role of parents as guides and mentors. King Dhritarashtra, though blind, was responsible for guiding his hundred sons, the Kauravas. However, his failure to provide impartial guidance and discipline led to disastrous consequences. It emphasizes the need for parents to fulfill their responsibility with fairness, wisdom, and love. By contrast, King Pandu and Queen Kunti are portrayed as nurturing their children, the Pandavas, with a strong sense of righteousness, virtue, and ethical conduct. They instill values, virtues, and knowledge in their children to help them navigate life's challenges.
Simply by embodying these qualities as parents we will be creating a nurturing and harmonious environment for our children conducive to everyone’s spiritual growth.
OUR STORY
As four co-authors and two couples, our spiritual journeys have been catalyzed, stimulated, and encouraged by the companionship of our spouses. Through a few different spiritual study groups, we have noted that couples participating together have found the learning and growth to be beneficial as it is mutual in nature and perceived more supportively. The learning is also more applicable because it is based on practical examples and realistic challenges from the lives that most of us lead as couples and family members. Based on our experience in learning from each other in these study groups, we decided to establish this platform where we can share our experiences with other couples in order to support the journeys that many of us are on. We hope you enjoy this forum and share with us your feedback as well as your experiences along your journey to further enlighten us all!
With love,
Dhirja & Sandipan Gangopadhyay
Anupama & Apurv Gupta
Dhirja & Sandipan Gangopadhyay
Anupama & Apurv Gupta
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